Chloé’s Ramblings

Monday, October 8, 2012

So much time, so many changes

Well, once again my blog was silent for way too long. I've had good excuses for that, though, some were indeed great and some not that great.

The last time I posted, I was about to start a new IVF procedure. This one went pretty well, we found the perfect dose of meds for me and it went really smoothly.

Right after Bastille Day, my friend Nanie came for a one-week visit. It was fabulous to have her and her two kids around for such a long time, we really enjoyed each other's company and had time to talk and catch up. It was also my last week of treatement and I got the egg retrieval procedure in the middle of it, so she also helped me focus on something else.

The day she left, we had the implantation procedure. I then spent another week off work and went back to the office for a week before my pregnancy test on August 3rd. Which came out positive.

After 4 years of trying, 3 of them with various infertility treatements, I was finally pregnant. As you can imagine, I was incredibly happy.

Unfortunately, I only last for about a month. On August 27th, we had our first ultrasound, which didn't show any cardiac activity. The embryo wasn't evolving, it wasn't even here any more. I decided to stop the pregnancy with meds rather than wait for it to happen naturally.

This was probably the most terrible experience I had to go through. Not the miscarriage itself, which was uncomfortable but not that terrible, but the fact that I lost this baby. Which wasn't even a baby  yet, of course. But as I said to Guy once, I wasn't 6 weeks pregnant, I was 4 years pregnant. I had been expecting, hoping, waiting for this pregnancy for so long that I was devastated to lose it.

I've been having a hard time since then and I was really thankful to have the opportunity, through the fertility center, to see a psychologist. It helps to have someone neutral to talk to, and even if I know it will take time, I think I'm moving in the right direction.

Through all this experience, I've been blessed to have amazing people around me to support me, comfort me, pray for me and send me good thoughts. Guy, of course, has been amazing. My family, my friends and my online friends have been fabulous. I couldn't have gone through all that without them and I'm really thankful for those amazing people.

Since the miscarriage, I've changed. It made me reconsider things that I thought were important, I lost interest for some things and found passion for other. For example, I've been more and more interested about photography. I also started yoga and, even if I only went to one lesson, I love it. This perfect mix of mindfulness and letting go is exactly what I need right now. Without even mentioning the serenity and peace you feel during the class and after! So, yeah, I'm evolving, growing, changing, hopefully for the better. I wish I wouldn't have to, though!


Marcia (123 blog) said...

I really am so very sorry about that. I was over the moon happy WITH you...

(Big hugs)

Holly in Japan said...

You are always in my thoughts and prayers dear Chloe. You are surrounded by love and positive thoughts and prayers - all over the world.

Kate C. said...

I think about you so often. I hold you in my heart, my friend. Have you done any more yoga? I would love to try it, but I know I'd be the horribly fat one in the class and would be petrified and embarrassed.